Romanticist & Pragmatist

What doesn't mix well with fluoxetine

2012-01-30T13:46:00.004+01:00

First things first: my psychiatrist is not sure whether I'm suffering from depression, so she sent me to a psychologist to get more background. Another week and a half of waiting. In the meantime, she prescribed me fluoxetine (aka Prozac), saying it won't hurt, but might help. Needless to say, I was eager to try it.

For the medicine to take any noticeable effect will take at least two to three weeks, but I'm pretty sure it already works in the system. The doctor said that a bit of alcohol won't be a problem, the thing is, she must have known a different measurements for 'a bit'. Long story short, I got completely wasted with amounts that wouldn't otherwise have that much of an effect on me. Lesson learned - drink less or nothing at all.

In retrospect, it was really stupid of me. Some things you've got to find out for yourself, though. I'm glad this misadventure ended up with just a few bruises. Another thing: when having low alcohol tolerance, always make sure that you won't be going home by yourself. It shouldn't need a mention, right? Well, I happen to lack some basic survival instincts on occasions.

Other news - I was invited on a trip to China. I must say, if it works, it might cure my disappointment with cancelled journeys of last summer. Tonight we'll be discussing the when and how.

There are quite a few things going on, concerning people, travels, work, education. I just hope I won't miss it because of inactivity - more and more deadlines come, and even though I could deal with all of it in one afternoon... I can't. I'd love to, but I can't. I'd need someone standing right behind me, urging me to make appointments, send mails etc. Why would I make it so difficult for myself? I have no idea.

Let's hope it's clinical

2012-01-14T14:52:00.003+01:00

When going to sleep, I set an alarm clock, so I wouldn't lose all day. In the morning, I turned it off with no second thoughts and laid till after noon. I was not sleeping - there was just nothing important enough to get up.

One could say that I got attracted to the possibility that I'm actually suffering from depression and so can't be held fully responsible for my actions or lack thereof. A valid point, I'd say, if not for the fact that it's nothing new - even when I was sure it's just my laziness I couldn't muster the resolve to do... anything.

When I called to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, a receptionist lady asked if it was something urgent. She was clearly trying to sound cheerful, almost turning it into a joke; she said I sounded calm, so how could it be that serious? She got somewhat defensive when I said that although I was not going to kill myself, I've been continuously unnecessarily complicating my life wasting one opportunity after another for at least four or five years already. And so I managed to schedule a visit within two weeks.

I'm not indulging in any new kinds of inactivity. What I'm doing though is observing if they fit within depression's symptoms. Naturally, they do. I still hope I'm not making it up, trying to justify myself and shed the responsibility.

Like taking a long shower, sitting with knees close to the chest, wishing it would last forever, so I wouldn't have to go out and face... anything, anyone. Or playing a film and watching it for just a few minutes before I've had enough. It's nothing new, I just think I found a common denominator.

I will be terribly disappointed with myself if it won't be a medical condition.

It's all about serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine.

2012-01-09T13:20:00.004+01:00

I've had it enough with the inability to do anything. I'm spending whole days doing nothing. Studying, writing, reading, watching films, even wasting time on the web - everything lost any appeal it might have had. So I listened to my friend and decided to see a psychiatrist.

I am yet to schedule a visit, so I'm not diagnosed with anything yet, but if it was depression (which should be clear in the following weeks), I guess I have a few thoughts to share already.

My friend's been trying to make me look for help for quite a few years now. Why wouldn't I listen? I guess I presumed everyone had similar problems with motivation and whatnot. I do not consider myself oh-so-special, so much wiser and more conscious than anyone else; we're all the same kind of animals, after all, and so we face all the same issues. My parents and few other people say I'm just lazy and carefree, and I too came to believe so. All I would need to do is actually do something, right? If everyone else can, so should I. What I never took into account was the possibility that I might be suffering from an illness.

Even now I fear it's just another justification for my laziness. After all, it's not difficult to rationalise one's actions. "It's not because I'm lazy, I'm depressed. It's a clinical state." Sounds believable, doesn't it?

When I have flu or any other physical sickness, I can't remember how did I feel when I was healthy and vice versa. Why would it be any different with your head? I wouldn't admit I was sick, being sure everyone else felt just the same. Actually, it would be some great news to hear that my condition can be cured.

Let's get it at least diagnosed, then.

Yet another new beginning

2011-11-03T06:40:00.002+01:00

I guess I'm going to set a new record for "to be continued" stories with no follow up. Let's consider everything that was hinted, but never saw the light of day lost forever (that is, until I get to it at some later point; you won't miss it, for I will surely brag about getting to a topic I mentioned a year or two earlier).

Meanwhile, I got back to the city where my university is so I could... well, officially - so I could finish my thesis. In fact - so I could get back to living on my own. After three years of student's life, I simply don't get along with my parents that well. It might be nothing but my vanity, but I'd say that today I have much broader horizons than a few years ago and I can't stand certain levels of ignorance. I'd love to discuss some things with my parents, but as long as they are providing for me, we don't have an equal standing to have a talk based solely on arguments, with no "because I say so" on their part.

Each time I come to this city it is covered with dense mist, so it's impossible to see where the tallest buildings end. They seem to be upholding the grey sky. Everything seems so surreal, it would make me doubt whether it's really happening if I was prone to such thoughts. But then again, if it's the story that counts, so be it: maybe this city doesn't exist anywhere but in my imagination, and it takes me just that long to visualize all the details? Maybe I'm so tired after each of these imaginary travels, that all I can do is remember just a few places that are separated with the grey emptiness? Only now do the sounds come, too, until now there was almost complete silence. I can hardly see anything outside: the road and a silhouette of a tree on its other side. No buildings, no people. Kind of creepy, if you think about it. Other than that - I don't necessarily like big cities, so if this one were to stay almost empty for some time, it would be an improbable, but welcome occurrence.

Naturally, it's quite far from any kind of seriousness. Well, why the hell not. Hopefully (could it be another "to be continued" moment?) I will get back to more consistent posts (as if something like that happened before and I could simply "get back" to it...), whatever topic they might be on, in the nearest future (I like this term; it is as imprecise as it gets).

Away with these brackets!

To stop, look and wonder

2011-10-04T13:27:00.004+02:00

For a first time since sixteen years I'm out of the education cycle. With every intent of getting back to it, true, but right now I enjoy the guilty pleasure of watching the world around me from a whole new perspective: the perspective of someone who has time for everything and is in no hurry at all.

When walking around a city that has no university at noon, there are almost no people at all. I got used to crowds and time pressure, forgetting that it is possible to live without these. It brought some distant, half-forgotten memories of the times when I had no real worries and everything was so simple. I miss these times, but I know it's never gonna be the same. I'm not old by no means, barely an adult, but it's too late nevertheless. I'm not all that sad because of it, though. I know there are even more beautiful thing waiting for me, so let's rather look forward to those than dwell on the past.

A loose thought: people's actions are usually decentralised. Any single endeavour is usually led by a single person or just a few people, sure, but the combination of various initiatives is only loosely knitted by some vague sets of laws, funding, interests, agendas and so on. Yet still - it works. The food is being produced, people have job, the economy runs, the culture is developing, the science moves ever forward. These are simple and everyday matters, but they still amaze me. Our whole civilisation is an enormous, seemingly infinitely complicated machine with so many independent gears it's flabbergasting that it works at all, and in fact it works quite efficiently.

I intended to write on something else that was hinted last time; well, I'll get back to it probably. Unless I find a job that would occupy me 24/7, I'll have some time to practice some writing at the expense of potential readers' time and patience.

Awakening

2011-09-05T03:58:00.002+02:00

A big word. Only time will show whether I'm actually going to change something for better in my life, what I can say at the moment though is so that I learnt a lot about myself, about others, about the world. A lot of learning, not necessarily along my studies. I hope to get into details over next few weeks or so.

It hit me when I browsed my photo album. I've been taking pictures with a camera about as old as myself for the past six years, sometimes more, sometimes less frequently. Thinking about the past is one thing, seeing it all gives you a whole new perspective.

Riddles, riddles, riddles. I am content with what I know, but desire more. I will surely get back to it pretty soon.

It feels so good to understand something new and universal.

Self-destruction in three, two...

2011-06-15T01:28:00.004+02:00

For the first time I'm failing really miserably. I'm behind all the deadlines, still got quite a few assignments, an exam, and... There's too much to count. Why haven't I done it all earlier? I had lots of time, more than ever. Fuck! I've been to a psychologist with this pathological procrastination and laziness. Wasn't of much help, unfortunately.

If I am to finish these studies this year, I need quite a few miracles to happen. I'm not sure I still in believe them, though. I feel like such an idiot...

I should have chosen studies that I would be into, not something that simply looked like fun at the time. Sure, it was - is - fun. But I have no incentive to study, none at all. If I got the diploma somehow, I certainly wouldn't feel as someone qualified. I learnt a few things, yes, but it's far from competent in the field. Ironically enough, my grades suggest something completely different.

Incomprehensible blabber. It looks like a panic attack combined with self-pity and anger... And most probably, that's exactly what it is. Everything infuriates me, I can't speak to people in civilised manner.

And why the hell can't I do anything about it? I want to, I try to, yet it all turns futile. Of course I'm the only one to blame, I can't see how it is to change anything that I know who's guilty, though.

Let's say it's all because of tomorrow's Lunar eclipse. I wish I was gullible enough to fall for it and stop hating myself over this ridiculous failure.

T-t-t-thinking! Again.

2011-03-07T23:15:00.004+01:00

Even the most boring of lectures might be inspirational. The key is to be in a certain state of mind.

First of all, I felt as nostalgic as never before, and I mean it. It's been almost three years now, but I miss the high school. I think I wasn't noticing it back then. The memories are nothing but great, though. The sun outside, people chatting, looking for "good seats", while waiting for the lecturer... it all brought back the images of years ago. It felt so cheerful, so peaceful and serene. Surprisingly enough, for once I came up with an inference of sorts, namely it is just as great right now. Even better, maybe! I have every reason to be as happy as I think I should have been back in high school. So let's just be happy.

Another thing, I was wondering why is that some lectures or lessons are, well, boring. Why are the students not interested, distracted, why are they (we) often ignorant of what they are taught or just sleeping on the desks (I would be one of the best examples of such practice, I'm afraid)? The answer I came up with is probably not revolutionary at all, but once again - as with the melancholy thing - never before have it occurred to me as plainly: it's because there is no involvement. Furthermore, I think it should be the lecturer or teacher who gets his students involved, one way or another. To make things a bit more complicated, some people need different stimuli than others. Choosing a course of studies or a faculty should be all motivation one needs to participate and pay attention, you say. I say, if one chose such studies on behalf of her interests, the teacher is all the more responsible for sustaining the flame of interest and should never disappoint the students, but encourage them and suck them into this particular field of knowledge. Never said it is easy to be a real teacher and mentor.

While we're with teachers and mentors: an idea came by as I was trying to focus on the lecture. I see some serious flaws in this little concept of mine, but I think it is a good starting point for something more refined. Ad rem: the science as we know it is described as the sum of all the knowledge (yes, I'm simplifying). It's all good, actually it's nice to see vast tomes of encyclopaedias filled to the brim with so much knowledge. Boosts the self-esteem of our species, doesn't it? What I'd like to see though, is an anti-encyclopaedia of sorts. It would list all the phenomena we have no explanation for; a great book of questions we have, but couldn't answer. Each edition would be thinned as more questions would have been answered, with more and more new questions being added simultaneously as they appeared. I don't know, maybe there is such a book already, I haven't really searched for it. I think it would be an optimistic lecture, after all: sure, it would deal with our lack of knowledge, but then again - it's intelligent people who ask questions. Besides, it would give some alternative measure for estimation of our scientific progress: not with what we know already, but rather with what we're onto. It wouldn't be obviously as useful as a regular encyclopaedia, yet still - I think it would be a valuable compendium.

Oh, and once again I think it would be nice to start actually studying. I just realised (to little amazement) it could be fun. Not to mention all the possibilities it gives... and so on, and so on. But hey, no miracles over here. Maybe I'll start, let's say, tomorrow?

And an important side-note: real or not, karma works. It really somehow does. Along with the fine print, "do not expect anything in return for your good deeds". How come? It ought to be some sociological phenomenon, look it up at the karma entry of the upcoming Anti-encyclopaedia!

Questionable progress

2011-02-21T04:58:00.003+01:00

If I was so dedicated to my studies as I happen to be to webcomics, my grade's average would be ridiculously high.

My questionable (nomen omen) priorities aside, I hope I'm close to realising another important thing. Not much of a discovery actually, most people must have come around this at some point of their lives. Anyhow, I'm tired of worrying and trying. Sure, I'm doing pretty well playing the happy-go-lucky and all hakuna matata, but is that really so? With all this drama around my friends, from November through December and January, it got me kind of emotionally exhausted. I've had definitely enough. So, what should I do now?

Quite simple: be cool. Well, literally, that's it. Stop making a fool of myself, trying to do... get... well, whatever the hell I wanted. I was so impatient about everything, particularly girls. It turned out all but satisfactory. The trick will be not to wait per se, but to not worry about it. May be tricky (which should be expected, it's a trick after all), but let's just see what happens next.

It sounds so zen. More and more things I come up with sound as such. Which is strange, considering my loathing of this philosophy, or whatever it is. Maybe it's time to rewrite the great wisdom of the East. Or at least to issue a patch introducing compatibility with 21st century.

And don't mind the tags.

Dossing around

2011-02-10T23:54:00.003+01:00

Dunno whether it's yet another motivation crisis, the flu, simply being tired, maybe the aftermath of the annual winter love story with no happy ending (or not the happiest possible at least). Whatever the cause, I can't focus on... well, on anything.

It's not like I couldn't manage. Get these few projects of students' scientific club finished, write a simple program, review a short book, prepare for a friendly exam, write two short articles and a longer one for the Bachelor's degree, apply for studies abroad, show up at our history reenactment group's meeting... Damn, when I list it, I am both sure it's doable and still... can't get down to actually doing any of these things. I'm slacking off on the Internet or watching films instead. Making another cup of tea, hoping I'll start doing any of these things. It makes me angry, which in turn calls for something to calm me down, like, I don't know, wasting even more time! And so the circle goes.

And there's this weird sensation of everything being unreal, not concerning me at all. The hell, I'm clean, I'm sober, I'm fully awake - and it still gets me. Not to my liking.

I've always imagined that if I found my "other half" (or however you call such person), it would give me motivation. This theory is not disproved, though I'm afraid it's just me idealising the impact of hypothetical relationship. So I could say, "it's because I'm alone" instead of simply "I'm lazy". The only effect I know it has is that I have one more thing to think about rather than do anything productive.

So I should stop writing this post and actually do something, right? Like, right now! The problem is, I know it. I know it all too well, and still can't do anything about it. Maybe if I had someone, anyone, just a room-mate I could bare talking to (unlike my actual room-mate) doing something, maybe then I would do something myself. Or maybe it's just another excuse. Probably the latter.

What the hell is wrong with me?

What I have uploaded I have uploaded

2011-01-19T00:37:00.005+01:00

For something like 5 years or so I was an Internet exhibitionist, you could say. I wrote about my interests, about what I like, what I do, well, everything and anything. I had some weird satisfaction if I was "searchable" on Google. It seems I didn't give a damn about my privacy.

Only lastly it actually began to worry me. When applying for a practice in a crime investigation laboratory, I wondered: how much could be found on me, given that somebody knows my name or nickname? It wouldn't take more than a few minutes to find out where do I live, what do I study, whom am I family to, well, way more than I'd like some anyone to find out. Creepy, and all because of my carelessness.

And that's before we take Facebook into account.

High time to change my profile photos all around the web. What am I getting so paranoid about? It's not like I'm going to rob a bank, you know. Really, I'm not. I'd just like to know where the hell is my identity data being publicly available, and I'm afraid I've lost track of it completely. Would be great to disappear from the web and start all over again, more cautiously.

Maybe I thought naïvely that somewhere in the net I would find someone who would care to, I don't know, listen to me. Ain't gonna happen, nope. What I need are real people. And I still seem to do so poorly in such relations, you know. Oh well.

Sorry for the mess, last few weeks are like a carousel, and I'm not quite sure how to get off this damn thing.

Oh, and the title is a paraphrase of some dude's quote. He happened to be a judge some two millennia ago.

Straight to the Ninth

2011-01-14T23:36:00.003+01:00

One would assume it should be easier as the time passes. Guess what? It's the very opposite. I feel guilty for what I've told, for the damage I've done with those angry words I spoke to her. I thought I'm being fair and tying loose ends, simply saying how I feel. Only later I saw how cruel I was.

No disappointment compares with how much I'm disappointed with myself. 'Not a person, but a character' I was supposed to be, and yet I acted like a complete moron. Like a human, you could say - anyhow, just how I have never wished to act. First, I wished for her to be happy. Then, I wished for myself to be honest. Now, I wish I was wiser than that.

Feeding the false hopes of mine, I was going straight to the eighth ring of Dante Alighieri's hell. Such mean words as those which I uttered would count as a betrayal of a friend, which gives me a one-way ticket to the deepest, ninth ring. I betrayed her trust, which I should never have done, under any circumstances, no matter how frustrated, angry or sad I was.

If I knew a thousand ways to apologise, it wouldn't be enough. It may never be enough. So easy to destroy something beautiful with words, so difficult - if at all possible - to regain trust...

From the very beginning of this story I knew it had to end badly. I wanted to believe in some sort of happy ending, but it never was all that probable. Was this 'adventure' worth the aftermath? A week or so ago I'd say yes, definitely. Tonight I'm not so sure. Or: I'm sure it was not.

I'm to blame I didn't act earlier in the autumn, I'm to blame for speaking all these sordid words. How could I... expect her... to do what I'd wish she did? It was so wrong. I screw up really badly this time.

It can't rain all the time

2011-01-12T14:31:00.004+01:00

My dormitory is a funny place. The staff hide from the cameras so they could smoke a cigarette.

Another winter 'love' (or was it?) story behind. The funny thing is, the more I idealise a girl, the less it takes for me to be completely disappointed. Sounds kind of self-explanatory, I know, so let's complicate things a bit: the more crazy I am and all over my head with a girl, the sooner I get to the 'whatever' phase. I mean, how could I be so blind? Maybe she used to be just like I pictured her, but today? Not so much.

Shallow, cruel, indifferent, cold? Call it as you will, I'm through with her. It'll be some time before I write a letter to her again. And somehow, I expect it to be kind of cynical. It's not because I'm angry. It's because I'm disappointed. Chiefly with myself probably, but what's the difference?

No regrets. None at all. And it has some aesthetic value, too. Now let's make sure I'm the protagonist of the story and find a happy ending, preferably... well, I won't spoil it. But damn, I hate being patient.

It was all beautiful and inspiring when it lasted, now I'm hiding whatever I feel about it beneath the mask of indifference. Hell with this, there's a new day ahead, right?

It can't rain all the time.

(And as I wrote it, it literally stopped raining and a few beams of the setting sun reached my room's window, the golden-lit clouds far in the background. Sometimes I wish I did believe any kind of signs.)

Va banque

2010-12-31T03:32:00.003+01:00

In the morning, on the last day of the year, it's gonna turn out what kind of a story my life is. The ironic one, in which I pay for mistakes of years ago, or the one with improbable happy-end. I wouldn't mind the latter, but I'm worried if I'm not fooling myself with all this hope...

What will happen? I can't say I'm curious. Curiosity is long gone, everything that's left is... fear, isn't it? Whether it'll be 'all right' or quite the contrary, or something completely unexpected - oh, I don't know myself what will happen, what may happen. Gosh.

She is coming here with her... boyfriend. For the New Year celebration. I told her of my feelings. She feels the same. Who will be 'the other guy', myself or him? Now that's a va banque game, isn't it...

One more day, and everything will be clear. Not clearer than I'd like, I hope.

No rest for the wicked

2010-12-01T05:06:00.003+01:00

I hate it when I wake up at 3 AM and can't sleep any more.

Like tonight.

Thinking about something pleasant, trying to remember a dream, concentrating on one thought, keeping my eyes closed no matter what... and nothing. I still can't decide which is more annoying: my roommate's snoring, or the fact that he can fall asleep in five minutes and nothing would wake him. I wouldn't mind my 'fucked up sleeping pattern' if not for my studies and job - sleep deprivation is counter-productive to say the least. I waste way too much time every day anyway, and still can't make a good use of what's left. The nature of my job is clearly not helping, either. Standing still for eight hours, smiling to people even though I don't really care whatever they want - it's kind of tiresome. Mostly psychically.

Now would be the part in which I wish for an interesting job, positive motivation for studying, healthy relationship and a good sleep. But let's skip it.

It's 5:25 AM already, no matter what I do, I'll be drowsy in the morning. Doesn't matter whether I'll try to fall asleep for the next two hours, or just sit in front of the computer. Either way my frustration is mounting. Maybe I should take some pills. Or get drunk before sleep. Or whatever.

Damn. Everything is just... slipping.

Naïve, nostalgic and torpid

2010-11-19T02:34:00.004+01:00

Usually the more I have to do, the less time I waste. Having found a job, acting as a president of student's organization and with two big assignments for my studies I should waste no time at all, right? Quite the contrary...

Unable to even start any of these, I sit and surf the Net searching for some old, nostalgic sites, some ancient signs of my and my friends' activity. Old forums, older forums, half-forgotten photos. What's the point?

There's no way I'm going to work for my future, if I'm so concerned with the past. The attachment and memory themselves wouldn't be anything bad, but I let them distract me, devour my attention to the fullest. And this is wrong. Maybe it's because of all the decisions that had seemed right then, yet proved otherwise? A person is said to regret only this, what he didn't do. I couldn't agree more. What trouble me are all the things I neglected, all the times I did not take action, stepped aside. Forfeited a chance of some sort.

It was all legitimate back then. I knew exactly why had I acted (or not acted, for that matter) that way or another. The thing is, I don't follow the same guidelines for decisions any more. Some things are beyond repair though, I'm afraid. Still, I'm incredibly naïve and have the silly hope that maybe - just maybe - it might not be completely lost.

I'm talking in riddles. Of course, it's about a girl. It's always been. I never thought the two of them were a good match, because they simply weren't. What a fool I was, turning her affection down! Rejecting her because she was in a relationship with my friend. To whom she did not match... What would I do today? Oh, I wouldn't count on my conscience. I certainly wouldn't. Or at least, I hope my conscience would not stand in my way.

A wannabe-hedonist with romantic ideas. How great.

Anyway, they broke up. Had to. But she seems to have someone else on her mind. The distance of 400 km is not helping me, either. My gullibility seems to be boundless. Can't help it, though. She might be one of the closest to perfect, with such fantasy of hers... And the way she could read me long before I could understand myself. I better won't dwell on this, or I may end up reading old emails. There's been enough nostalgia for one night already.

Let's make some tea and try to actually do something with my 'career'.

Further away

2010-11-16T21:53:00.005+01:00

Beginning with high school, perspectives seemed to correlate with the school's distance from home. Besides, education is not just about lectures and such. Opening one's mind for new ideas represented by different places, different people, expanding one's horizons - both figuratively and literally, that's what interests me the most.

The only problem is, I can't quite afford living and studying abroad, not yet. And I'd like to do so as soon as possible, if not sooner. I think it's high time to take the matters in my own hands. So let's do it.

Too long have I been waiting, limiting myself without a reason. Let's hit the higher instances, get a scholarship and fly to UK. Shall we?

Somehow, I think it's all about making the first step, which I've always been reluctant to do. I won't get anywhere just sitting on my... chair. I wish it was my last year studying here, enough wasting time.

It's a self-motivational note, so don't necessarily pay too much or any attention.

Mixed signals

2010-11-16T20:25:00.002+01:00

The oldest friends... never cease to amaze me. I wish these were some welcome surprises.

This one began great. She invited me to one of this county's most beautiful cities, which I had not had a chance to visit before. It was already some time since we last saw each other, so what else could I do? I boarded the train and...

And the welcome was most unexpected. Most... warm. Sure, friends and all, but... well, I didn't mind actually. Why should I? Decided to be nice. After all, she invited me, right? Besides, what is a hug and a kiss on the cheek? And so we hit the city.

One club, next club, yet another club... I was being nice. A bit too nice, as it was going to turn out. We've never been anything 'more' or 'else' than friends. I've heard more than I'd like to know about her boyfriends, really. I couldn't catch up with their names, actually. Nevertheless, whenever I mentioned some of the girls I know and like, she got upset. Maybe it should have alarmed me. Well, it didn't. I got a bit drunk, she was taunting me. Sure, no excuse - but then, I do not need an excuse, 'cause I did nothing. Didn't comply when she attempted to kiss me, spoke carefully, watching for every word I said. The heck, more than once I told her she is pretty, but definitely not my type (whatever that would mean).

And so, nothing happened. Or so I thought.

The following day, she introduced me to her friends. I've never heard so much about hair, nails, clothes and such in just a few hours. Kinda sickening, you know. Not to mention a clash of viewpoints according religion and such. Also, I got a bit sarcastic and distanced. Evening came, and it seemed a good moment for some serious conversation.

Then it turns out she's been in love with me for... well, most of the time we knew each other. Great. And me being simply nice got mistaken with flirting, awesome. 'Mixed signals' is the term. Some explanations on my side, and here comes accusations of histrionics and hypocrisy. That hurt.

Sincerity and honesty are one of the few last things I care about. Hypocrisy? Histrionics? If there are words that can hurt me, she found them. The thing is, I did not feel guilty at all. Not even a bit.

Seeing me rarely, she's created some idealised picture of myself. Picture which is almost completely unlike me. Not to mention my allergy for expectations towards me, and she was full of such. I almost packed and left on the whim. Maybe I should have. Then she spoke of her fear of being abandoned. Can't say I felt great about it. I'm not so tough and heartless after all, it seems. I stayed, but entered the 'very cold and sarcastic' mode. Made sure I was not sending any mixed signals whatsoever.

Luckily, I had some other friends it the city. Actually, the lived on the adjacent street. I decided to spend the next day with them secretly - had no heart (or no courage?) to say: 'hey, I'm tired of you, I'm out'. Only got back for a dinner to my host, then packed and left. Left for good, probably.

The moment I got home, I wrote a letter. Wrote it somewhat against myself. Wrote what an awful person am I, how many times did I hurt her and so on, and so on. No mixed signals. I didn't like it, but... I think it had to be done. I will cope with this. I hope she will, too. She will surely be disillusioned and even heartbroken, maybe. In the end though, maybe she will get over with it and find herself someone who cares, unlike me. And I will have... have what? My precious peace?

I could say much more, yet don't want to defend myself. I wouldn't say I should defend myself in the first place. If there was anything wrong I did, it would be being a bit too harsh in the letter I wrote, but I think it was necessary. It's not a first time I see desire crushing a friendship, and I hate it. Nothing stinks as awfully as friendship decomposing, they say... Maybe it's better to end it at once. I'm not saying we can't be friends any more. In fact, I wish we could. First though, she has to want nothing but friendship from me, for I can't give her anything else.

Wish you luck, M.

No home for a cat

2010-05-19T01:20:00.002+02:00

It seems that if I am writing anything, it's usually when I have a lot of other, way more important things to do. Well, there is an examination session lurking ahead in general, and tomorrow's test about cingulum membri inferioris in particular. Oh, well. Yet another sleepless night.

I should have already got used to all-nighters, actually. In the past week I had two while working on my paper for archaeology of early middle ages. To be honest, I did much more in these two nights than for the past... what? Like, 5 months? At least. I knew I'm more of an owl than a lark, but still - I shouldn't be working like that.

Anyway, I've just moved to a different flat. Which makes my fifth one in this academic year. Hell yes, talk about finding your own place... It's quite comfortable to have something like this (frequent changing of a place you're living in) to blame for my misadventures with studies. What a pity that I know it's all my fault nevertheless. Right now, I'm living with my friend from University. He's kind of an alternative guy. Or maybe I should say: he's the alternative guy. Which works for me. Unfortunately, he has some problem with getting down to studying (how surprising!). Maybe we'll help each other then - at least, I hope so. I would actually enjoy a party. Or two. Or... well, you know what I mean. Still, I think it is already pretty late as for studying for my exams, so - let's hope it's not too late, pray for a miracle (or a few) and start actually doing something, goddamnit!

On a side note. It makes a great difference, what kind of a house you're staying in. All my four previous flats were regularly rented to different people, they had a feel of being something 'only for some time'. Here, I'm in a place with some history. The same people have been living here for long years, you can easily feel the attachment, the bond... It is easier for me, too. If someone feels home here, I can, too. Not for long, not as I do in my own room 400 km from here, but surely it is way better than any other place I've been living in for the past year.

Yeah, I should probably apologise for the mess. If only I had to whom...

Blank Spaces

2010-02-21T17:02:00.003+01:00

'Now when I was a little chap I had a passion for maps. I would look for hours at South America, or Africa, or Australia, and lose myself in all the glories of exploration. At that time there were many blank spaces on the earth, and when I saw one that looked particularly inviting on a map (but they all look that) I would put my finger on it and say, 'When I grow up I will go there.' (...)'

J. Conrad, Heart of Darkness

I have always wished for such blank spaces. Unfortunately, today, in the 21st century, there are none. What's more, you can view any corner of Earth from above without turning away from your screen. Kind of frightening, actually. The nearest unknown lands, i.e. other planets, are out of reach and that's not going to change within a couple of decades or a few centuries - is it 50 or 200 years, that's way too long for me, I'm afraid. So what's left?

When sitting in the library, studying for my archaeology classes, I was enlightened, you might say. I found it boring to delve into the history of, let's say, bronze age's cultures. I'm really into digging up bones, playing with geophysics and other means of prospection, but the cultures themselves seemed not that interesting. I'm so glad I was wrong.

What we are doing, is nothing but filling out these blank spaces on the maps - the only difference being the maps are not of today's world, but of the world that used to be. Pointless? Quite the contrary: it's even better I'd say, for you can always find something new even in a place that someone has already visited. And it is everywhere: just outside the door, amidst the Greek ruins, beneath the sands of Egypt, underwater, everywhere.

Not to mention the 'excavations' in libraries - the students of law, social studies, physics etc. are just learning something that someone else has written, sometimes they might come up with something new (especially physicists, if anyone). At the same time, archaeologists are searching for some clues, combining them and secretly planning on checking their theories in the field. There is no way to read something that is two thousand years old (Roman law, for example) and take it as granted; we have to read, analyse and verify, thus filling yet another blank space.

Sure, I am glorifying the archaeology. Of course, I do understand someone might be as enthusiastic about their studies, it's just that I have always had some idea of what scientific research might look like, what does it mean to discover. And still, the archaeology seems to be so much more than I have ever hoped for.

And gave me lots of maps with broad blank spaces.

When choice is no choice at all

2010-01-13T00:21:00.005+01:00

The most difficult choice I have ever had to make was when I had to decide where to study: whether it was a major city only a few dozens kilometres from my home, or a capital city a few hundred kilometres from home. The difficulty was my best friends staying near the place I lived, and perspectives for a renowned University and possible career in the distant city.

As could have been expected, I chose the latter. As could have been expected, I regret. Most probably I'd regret any of these two options. Fortunately or not, my best friend told me not to take anyone but me into account when making such a decision. Although I did not worry that much whatever my friends would feel like when I left, I have never supposed I might miss them that much - after all, moving to a big city was quite an adventure, not to mention living on my own and taking up interesting studies.

The initial enthusiasm, however, faded out and was lost somewhere along the way. Nowadays I more often think of getting back home and finishing the same studies there. I've learned a lot here, not only on the subject of my faculty, but about life and people, about myself, too. And maybe that's why I did not actually got back... I know it's confusing. After having learnt about myself a little, I suppose I'd regret leaving all these perspectives and so on behind.

How I wish I could move all the city somewhere nearer my home. Or to have another Institute of Archaeology on a decent level somewhere nearer. Or to make it possible in any way to be close to my friends and be able to study on the best University at the same time. Dream on...

The point is (although unexpected), you value what you've got only when you lose it. Sure, I visit my friends as often as possible, but I don't have them close, and that changes a lot. Way too much, I'd say. Not that I didn't have any new friends here already, quite the contrary - they will make me sorry for leaving the capital after finishing my studies. But to give another known quote, friends are like shoes - the older, the better they fit.

Sorry for this messy note. I had to break the long period of silence, though. Let's hope I'll start something more interesting already, or I'll scare out the two imaginary readers I have...

Home sweet home

2009-12-19T04:00:00.003+01:00

At last. After one of the longest weeks I remember, after a journey through a paralysed by winter country, I finally got home. It's only after a long time away that you really, really appreciate such little and not-so-little things as for example lying in your own bed, emptying your own fridge, smelling all these familiar scents, moving around in a space you know so well - to put it as simply as possible: being home. And now I'm going to really enjoy the next two weeks.

Not to mention all my friends I can't wait to see. Actually, two weeks, two months, no matter how long would I be staying here, it can't be enough. Funny thing: so long I wished to go somewhere far, so long I wanted to see all these distant places. And quite quickly it turned out I miss my friends, my home so much. If I only could, I'd take them with me wherever I go. Who would ever suppose such an independent individual as myself might be so attached to people? Anyway, I wouldn't like it to be any different.

Well, maybe I'll come up with something witty and brilliant or whatever soon, meanwhile - I'm gonna take some sleep in my bed. Three weeks I've been waiting...

A flash in the pan

2009-12-10T02:26:00.005+01:00

Once I skipped something in my schedule - only once. And all my enthusiasm was gone, all my plans once again were subject of procrastination. I had a week off at University, almost no lectures whatsoever - and still was unable to do anything.

Oh well. Happens.

Meanwhile though I had an opportunity to have a discussion with a man over the Ocean. Hey, do you know how to get more popular instantly on the Internet, at least for some time among a certain group of people? Find a forum or a site on which you can upload some picture etc., the bigger the community the better. And post something in regard of, for example, religion. And watch people argue - not over your work or what you said, for they will forget it really quickly. After all, they only needed - longed for - a provocation.

Actually, I did not publish anything like this. I took part in the discussion, and man, I wish I hadn't. When your adversary is someone foolish and only tries to shout louder than you, it's no problem, you just cease to talk, it is useless anyway. Actually, sometimes it's worse to meet someone cultural on the opposite side. Wouldn't it be terribly rude if I just didn't reply (not to mention pride - to lose a discussion simply walking away? Hell no!)? Yet I have to tell you - man, it's so tiresome to discuss with creationists.

The guy is intelligent enough to continue the dispute, yet blind enough to miss my arguments. I got to say though, he made me do some study on such classics as Voltaire or on some physics, the entropy law to be specific. Would you believe someone might claim to know a scientific proof against evolution? I wonder what are they taught in the US. I'm so happy to live in a country enlightened enough to fire a minister who postulates creationism and wants it to be taught at school...

So. Be sure to choose your adversaries for a debate wisely (for arguing with dogmas is no use, too) and revise the basics of thermodynamic before you talk to creationists, kids. And be ready to prove them the Earth is a sphere, you can never be sure what else might they come up with.

Homo sum, humani nil a me alienum puto

2009-12-02T22:26:00.001+01:00

One would think that after a few years of humanistic studies, like classic philology or whatsoever, a student should be open-minded and try to grasp at least the very basics of any kind of knowledge or science. After all, there are a lot of thing that constitute our cultural heritage, not only literature, architecture and other fine arts, but mathematics, physics, biology and chemistry as well.

Studying a humanistic specialisation myself, I got to know many people who passed their high school exams and hoped never to see maths or physics again. No more numbers and calculations, no formulas, no... logic? I would understand if it was just them not being really into the exact sciences, but what saddens me is that they see no use for any scientific method in their field. Which strikes me as a complete misunderstanding - not only are they (the exact sciences) present in everyday life and work of an average M.A., but in my opinion make a great exercise for, I don't know, thinking? Surprisingly, some of my friends who study maths or IT are very open for anything 'humanistic' and do not belittle it.

Terence would be disappointed, I'm afraid.

Sure, specialisation in any branch of knowledge has its cost and there is no way to be good in everything, yet the exact sciences should not by given up completely by anyone. It seems simply unhealthy. No way to keep a sharp mind when you're over 80 years if you do not play with maths or play chess. Or both.

Procrastination

2009-12-02T02:51:00.000+01:00

Or could it be laziness, probably? Let's not try to fool myself, it definitely is pure laziness. I could have deadlines just few hours ahead, lots of things that need to be done right now, and still waste time on games or (worse) just thinking, doing nothing, I don't know, when I have something important to do, I somehow manage to find and grasp any distraction I'd stumble upon.

Today, to prove myself it's not that bad, I decided to clean up the mess that somehow appeared in my room. Sure, I did manage to do it - although I wasted like three hours before I started and another two or so after finishing. The cleaning itself took me like 30 minutes. Along with hanging the curtains. And reorganising my notes. And preparing everything I need for tomorrow.

5 hours of wasting time and 30 minutes of work. Sounds like high time to get myself together.

For a good start - a few hours of sleep. Note to self: get over with 'starting' things and try actually 'doing' already.

Silly ideals of a silly man

2009-11-30T20:43:00.002+01:00

So finally I came up with a title, but all the credit goes to my friend, who used to call me 'romanticist-pragmatist' due to my romantic ideals and very rational approach to life. I hoped I was already done with this self contradiction, yet it seems to be still up to date. Maybe it's a good thing some issues wouldn't let me pass by without a blink.

The National Academy of Sciences organised a series of lectures on astronomy which I happily attended. After today's lecture I met a man, probably in his fifties. He was a plain man who got really interested in astronomy and physics. The problem was, he couldn't find a place for God in what he heard. Believer through all his life, he seemed really tormented. And guess what? Me, a declared atheist, explained him, why science does not negate the existence of God. Why would I do such a thing? Why would I try to help someone keep believing although I honestly wish everyone would understand God is not needed any more and probably never was? Why the hell would I bother? Because I felt sorry for this man. I claim no right to deny somebody's beliefs, why should I take the advantage of someone's crisis? If he ever decides he can live without God, let it be his own choice.

When going home from the lecture, I passed a guy walking his dog in the doors of my flat. He kicked the animal and hit it so hard, it squealed - just because the dog wouldn't listen to what he says. It's not that I want to tell everyone how good a person I am, waiting for them to come back, telling the guy what I think of him and threatening him to call the police. I'd like to point out this: how often do we, myself as well, not react when something wrong is going on? Sure, it's easier to pretend it doesn't concern us. It's none of our business, right? But I wouldn't be able to sleep well if I did nothing, I wouldn't like to see myself in the mirror. And yep, that's where the romantic ideals come back.

A few weeks ago I would just ignore such situation. Fortunately for me, I suppose, I have a renaissance of 'let's fix the world' thing. For every other mad man who'd like to make this world a better place - 'The impossible dream' song from 'Man of La Mancha' musical.

Peace.

For a not-that-bad start

2009-11-29T18:49:00.000+01:00

Well I tried to write something about myself, but being a horrible introvert person I am, it didn't work. I thought of writing something thoughtful on some of my interests, yet had no idea for any specific subject. Not to leave a fresh blog without any article, let's put this rubbish on the page.

Oh, right: if I have nothing to say, why do I bother? I have a lot. Just need a little warm-up, and it'll be easier (I hope) if I write something like this for a start.

So, yeah, I'll be back as soon as I think of something more consistent.