Naïve, nostalgic and torpid

Usually the more I have to do, the less time I waste. Having found a job, acting as a president of student's organization and with two big assignments for my studies I should waste no time at all, right? Quite the contrary...

Unable to even start any of these, I sit and surf the Net searching for some old, nostalgic sites, some ancient signs of my and my friends' activity. Old forums, older forums, half-forgotten photos. What's the point?

There's no way I'm going to work for my future, if I'm so concerned with the past. The attachment and memory themselves wouldn't be anything bad, but I let them distract me, devour my attention to the fullest. And this is wrong. Maybe it's because of all the decisions that had seemed right then, yet proved otherwise? A person is said to regret only this, what he didn't do. I couldn't agree more. What trouble me are all the things I neglected, all the times I did not take action, stepped aside. Forfeited a chance of some sort.

It was all legitimate back then. I knew exactly why had I acted (or not acted, for that matter) that way or another. The thing is, I don't follow the same guidelines for decisions any more. Some things are beyond repair though, I'm afraid. Still, I'm incredibly naïve and have the silly hope that maybe - just maybe - it might not be completely lost.

I'm talking in riddles. Of course, it's about a girl. It's always been. I never thought the two of them were a good match, because they simply weren't. What a fool I was, turning her affection down! Rejecting her because she was in a relationship with my friend. To whom she did not match... What would I do today? Oh, I wouldn't count on my conscience. I certainly wouldn't. Or at least, I hope my conscience would not stand in my way.

A wannabe-hedonist with romantic ideas. How great.

Anyway, they broke up. Had to. But she seems to have someone else on her mind. The distance of 400 km is not helping me, either. My gullibility seems to be boundless. Can't help it, though. She might be one of the closest to perfect, with such fantasy of hers... And the way she could read me long before I could understand myself. I better won't dwell on this, or I may end up reading old emails. There's been enough nostalgia for one night already.

Let's make some tea and try to actually do something with my 'career'.

Further away

Beginning with high school, perspectives seemed to correlate with the school's distance from home. Besides, education is not just about lectures and such. Opening one's mind for new ideas represented by different places, different people, expanding one's horizons - both figuratively and literally, that's what interests me the most.

The only problem is, I can't quite afford living and studying abroad, not yet. And I'd like to do so as soon as possible, if not sooner. I think it's high time to take the matters in my own hands. So let's do it.

Too long have I been waiting, limiting myself without a reason. Let's hit the higher instances, get a scholarship and fly to UK. Shall we?

Somehow, I think it's all about making the first step, which I've always been reluctant to do. I won't get anywhere just sitting on my... chair. I wish it was my last year studying here, enough wasting time.

It's a self-motivational note, so don't necessarily pay too much or any attention.

Mixed signals

The oldest friends... never cease to amaze me. I wish these were some welcome surprises.

This one began great. She invited me to one of this county's most beautiful cities, which I had not had a chance to visit before. It was already some time since we last saw each other, so what else could I do? I boarded the train and...

And the welcome was most unexpected. Most... warm. Sure, friends and all, but... well, I didn't mind actually. Why should I? Decided to be nice. After all, she invited me, right? Besides, what is a hug and a kiss on the cheek? And so we hit the city.

One club, next club, yet another club... I was being nice. A bit too nice, as it was going to turn out. We've never been anything 'more' or 'else' than friends. I've heard more than I'd like to know about her boyfriends, really. I couldn't catch up with their names, actually. Nevertheless, whenever I mentioned some of the girls I know and like, she got upset. Maybe it should have alarmed me. Well, it didn't. I got a bit drunk, she was taunting me. Sure, no excuse - but then, I do not need an excuse, 'cause I did nothing. Didn't comply when she attempted to kiss me, spoke carefully, watching for every word I said. The heck, more than once I told her she is pretty, but definitely not my type (whatever that would mean).

And so, nothing happened. Or so I thought.

The following day, she introduced me to her friends. I've never heard so much about hair, nails, clothes and such in just a few hours. Kinda sickening, you know. Not to mention a clash of viewpoints according religion and such. Also, I got a bit sarcastic and distanced. Evening came, and it seemed a good moment for some serious conversation.

Then it turns out she's been in love with me for... well, most of the time we knew each other. Great. And me being simply nice got mistaken with flirting, awesome. 'Mixed signals' is the term. Some explanations on my side, and here comes accusations of histrionics and hypocrisy. That hurt.

Sincerity and honesty are one of the few last things I care about. Hypocrisy? Histrionics? If there are words that can hurt me, she found them. The thing is, I did not feel guilty at all. Not even a bit.

Seeing me rarely, she's created some idealised picture of myself. Picture which is almost completely unlike me. Not to mention my allergy for expectations towards me, and she was full of such. I almost packed and left on the whim. Maybe I should have. Then she spoke of her fear of being abandoned. Can't say I felt great about it. I'm not so tough and heartless after all, it seems. I stayed, but entered the 'very cold and sarcastic' mode. Made sure I was not sending any mixed signals whatsoever.

Luckily, I had some other friends it the city. Actually, the lived on the adjacent street. I decided to spend the next day with them secretly - had no heart (or no courage?) to say: 'hey, I'm tired of you, I'm out'. Only got back for a dinner to my host, then packed and left. Left for good, probably.

The moment I got home, I wrote a letter. Wrote it somewhat against myself. Wrote what an awful person am I, how many times did I hurt her and so on, and so on. No mixed signals. I didn't like it, but... I think it had to be done. I will cope with this. I hope she will, too. She will surely be disillusioned and even heartbroken, maybe. In the end though, maybe she will get over with it and find herself someone who cares, unlike me. And I will have... have what? My precious peace?

I could say much more, yet don't want to defend myself. I wouldn't say I should defend myself in the first place. If there was anything wrong I did, it would be being a bit too harsh in the letter I wrote, but I think it was necessary. It's not a first time I see desire crushing a friendship, and I hate it. Nothing stinks as awfully as friendship decomposing, they say... Maybe it's better to end it at once. I'm not saying we can't be friends any more. In fact, I wish we could. First though, she has to want nothing but friendship from me, for I can't give her anything else.

Wish you luck, M.