Yet another new beginning

I guess I'm going to set a new record for "to be continued" stories with no follow up. Let's consider everything that was hinted, but never saw the light of day lost forever (that is, until I get to it at some later point; you won't miss it, for I will surely brag about getting to a topic I mentioned a year or two earlier).

Meanwhile, I got back to the city where my university is so I could... well, officially - so I could finish my thesis. In fact - so I could get back to living on my own. After three years of student's life, I simply don't get along with my parents that well. It might be nothing but my vanity, but I'd say that today I have much broader horizons than a few years ago and I can't stand certain levels of ignorance. I'd love to discuss some things with my parents, but as long as they are providing for me, we don't have an equal standing to have a talk based solely on arguments, with no "because I say so" on their part.

Each time I come to this city it is covered with dense mist, so it's impossible to see where the tallest buildings end. They seem to be upholding the grey sky. Everything seems so surreal, it would make me doubt whether it's really happening if I was prone to such thoughts. But then again, if it's the story that counts, so be it: maybe this city doesn't exist anywhere but in my imagination, and it takes me just that long to visualize all the details? Maybe I'm so tired after each of these imaginary travels, that all I can do is remember just a few places that are separated with the grey emptiness? Only now do the sounds come, too, until now there was almost complete silence. I can hardly see anything outside: the road and a silhouette of a tree on its other side. No buildings, no people. Kind of creepy, if you think about it. Other than that - I don't necessarily like big cities, so if this one were to stay almost empty for some time, it would be an improbable, but welcome occurrence.

Naturally, it's quite far from any kind of seriousness. Well, why the hell not. Hopefully (could it be another "to be continued" moment?) I will get back to more consistent posts (as if something like that happened before and I could simply "get back" to it...), whatever topic they might be on, in the nearest future (I like this term; it is as imprecise as it gets).

Away with these brackets!

To stop, look and wonder

For a first time since sixteen years I'm out of the education cycle. With every intent of getting back to it, true, but right now I enjoy the guilty pleasure of watching the world around me from a whole new perspective: the perspective of someone who has time for everything and is in no hurry at all.

When walking around a city that has no university at noon, there are almost no people at all. I got used to crowds and time pressure, forgetting that it is possible to live without these. It brought some distant, half-forgotten memories of the times when I had no real worries and everything was so simple. I miss these times, but I know it's never gonna be the same. I'm not old by no means, barely an adult, but it's too late nevertheless. I'm not all that sad because of it, though. I know there are even more beautiful thing waiting for me, so let's rather look forward to those than dwell on the past.

A loose thought: people's actions are usually decentralised. Any single endeavour is usually led by a single person or just a few people, sure, but the combination of various initiatives is only loosely knitted by some vague sets of laws, funding, interests, agendas and so on. Yet still - it works. The food is being produced, people have job, the economy runs, the culture is developing, the science moves ever forward. These are simple and everyday matters, but they still amaze me. Our whole civilisation is an enormous, seemingly infinitely complicated machine with so many independent gears it's flabbergasting that it works at all, and in fact it works quite efficiently.

I intended to write on something else that was hinted last time; well, I'll get back to it probably. Unless I find a job that would occupy me 24/7, I'll have some time to practice some writing at the expense of potential readers' time and patience.

Awakening

A big word. Only time will show whether I'm actually going to change something for better in my life, what I can say at the moment though is so that I learnt a lot about myself, about others, about the world. A lot of learning, not necessarily along my studies. I hope to get into details over next few weeks or so.

It hit me when I browsed my photo album. I've been taking pictures with a camera about as old as myself for the past six years, sometimes more, sometimes less frequently. Thinking about the past is one thing, seeing it all gives you a whole new perspective.

Riddles, riddles, riddles. I am content with what I know, but desire more. I will surely get back to it pretty soon.

It feels so good to understand something new and universal.

Self-destruction in three, two...

For the first time I'm failing really miserably. I'm behind all the deadlines, still got quite a few assignments, an exam, and... There's too much to count. Why haven't I done it all earlier? I had lots of time, more than ever. Fuck! I've been to a psychologist with this pathological procrastination and laziness. Wasn't of much help, unfortunately.

If I am to finish these studies this year, I need quite a few miracles to happen. I'm not sure I still in believe them, though. I feel like such an idiot...

I should have chosen studies that I would be into, not something that simply looked like fun at the time. Sure, it was - is - fun. But I have no incentive to study, none at all. If I got the diploma somehow, I certainly wouldn't feel as someone qualified. I learnt a few things, yes, but it's far from competent in the field. Ironically enough, my grades suggest something completely different.

Incomprehensible blabber. It looks like a panic attack combined with self-pity and anger... And most probably, that's exactly what it is. Everything infuriates me, I can't speak to people in civilised manner.

And why the hell can't I do anything about it? I want to, I try to, yet it all turns futile. Of course I'm the only one to blame, I can't see how it is to change anything that I know who's guilty, though.

Let's say it's all because of tomorrow's Lunar eclipse. I wish I was gullible enough to fall for it and stop hating myself over this ridiculous failure.

T-t-t-thinking! Again.

Even the most boring of lectures might be inspirational. The key is to be in a certain state of mind.

First of all, I felt as nostalgic as never before, and I mean it. It's been almost three years now, but I miss the high school. I think I wasn't noticing it back then. The memories are nothing but great, though. The sun outside, people chatting, looking for "good seats", while waiting for the lecturer... it all brought back the images of years ago. It felt so cheerful, so peaceful and serene. Surprisingly enough, for once I came up with an inference of sorts, namely it is just as great right now. Even better, maybe! I have every reason to be as happy as I think I should have been back in high school. So let's just be happy.

Another thing, I was wondering why is that some lectures or lessons are, well, boring. Why are the students not interested, distracted, why are they (we) often ignorant of what they are taught or just sleeping on the desks (I would be one of the best examples of such practice, I'm afraid)? The answer I came up with is probably not revolutionary at all, but once again - as with the melancholy thing - never before have it occurred to me as plainly: it's because there is no involvement. Furthermore, I think it should be the lecturer or teacher who gets his students involved, one way or another. To make things a bit more complicated, some people need different stimuli than others. Choosing a course of studies or a faculty should be all motivation one needs to participate and pay attention, you say. I say, if one chose such studies on behalf of her interests, the teacher is all the more responsible for sustaining the flame of interest and should never disappoint the students, but encourage them and suck them into this particular field of knowledge. Never said it is easy to be a real teacher and mentor.

While we're with teachers and mentors: an idea came by as I was trying to focus on the lecture. I see some serious flaws in this little concept of mine, but I think it is a good starting point for something more refined. Ad rem: the science as we know it is described as the sum of all the knowledge (yes, I'm simplifying). It's all good, actually it's nice to see vast tomes of encyclopaedias filled to the brim with so much knowledge. Boosts the self-esteem of our species, doesn't it? What I'd like to see though, is an anti-encyclopaedia of sorts. It would list all the phenomena we have no explanation for; a great book of questions we have, but couldn't answer. Each edition would be thinned as more questions would have been answered, with more and more new questions being added simultaneously as they appeared. I don't know, maybe there is such a book already, I haven't really searched for it. I think it would be an optimistic lecture, after all: sure, it would deal with our lack of knowledge, but then again - it's intelligent people who ask questions. Besides, it would give some alternative measure for estimation of our scientific progress: not with what we know already, but rather with what we're onto. It wouldn't be obviously as useful as a regular encyclopaedia, yet still - I think it would be a valuable compendium.

Oh, and once again I think it would be nice to start actually studying. I just realised (to little amazement) it could be fun. Not to mention all the possibilities it gives... and so on, and so on. But hey, no miracles over here. Maybe I'll start, let's say, tomorrow?

And an important side-note: real or not, karma works. It really somehow does. Along with the fine print, "do not expect anything in return for your good deeds". How come? It ought to be some sociological phenomenon, look it up at the karma entry of the upcoming Anti-encyclopaedia!

Questionable progress

If I was so dedicated to my studies as I happen to be to webcomics, my grade's average would be ridiculously high.

My questionable (nomen omen) priorities aside, I hope I'm close to realising another important thing. Not much of a discovery actually, most people must have come around this at some point of their lives. Anyhow, I'm tired of worrying and trying. Sure, I'm doing pretty well playing the happy-go-lucky and all hakuna matata, but is that really so? With all this drama around my friends, from November through December and January, it got me kind of emotionally exhausted. I've had definitely enough. So, what should I do now?

Quite simple: be cool. Well, literally, that's it. Stop making a fool of myself, trying to do... get... well, whatever the hell I wanted. I was so impatient about everything, particularly girls. It turned out all but satisfactory. The trick will be not to wait per se, but to not worry about it. May be tricky (which should be expected, it's a trick after all), but let's just see what happens next.

It sounds so zen. More and more things I come up with sound as such. Which is strange, considering my loathing of this philosophy, or whatever it is. Maybe it's time to rewrite the great wisdom of the East. Or at least to issue a patch introducing compatibility with 21st century.

And don't mind the tags.

Dossing around

Dunno whether it's yet another motivation crisis, the flu, simply being tired, maybe the aftermath of the annual winter love story with no happy ending (or not the happiest possible at least). Whatever the cause, I can't focus on... well, on anything.

It's not like I couldn't manage. Get these few projects of students' scientific club finished, write a simple program, review a short book, prepare for a friendly exam, write two short articles and a longer one for the Bachelor's degree, apply for studies abroad, show up at our history reenactment group's meeting... Damn, when I list it, I am both sure it's doable and still... can't get down to actually doing any of these things. I'm slacking off on the Internet or watching films instead. Making another cup of tea, hoping I'll start doing any of these things. It makes me angry, which in turn calls for something to calm me down, like, I don't know, wasting even more time! And so the circle goes.

And there's this weird sensation of everything being unreal, not concerning me at all. The hell, I'm clean, I'm sober, I'm fully awake - and it still gets me. Not to my liking.

I've always imagined that if I found my "other half" (or however you call such person), it would give me motivation. This theory is not disproved, though I'm afraid it's just me idealising the impact of hypothetical relationship. So I could say, "it's because I'm alone" instead of simply "I'm lazy". The only effect I know it has is that I have one more thing to think about rather than do anything productive.

So I should stop writing this post and actually do something, right? Like, right now! The problem is, I know it. I know it all too well, and still can't do anything about it. Maybe if I had someone, anyone, just a room-mate I could bare talking to (unlike my actual room-mate) doing something, maybe then I would do something myself. Or maybe it's just another excuse. Probably the latter.

What the hell is wrong with me?

What I have uploaded I have uploaded

For something like 5 years or so I was an Internet exhibitionist, you could say. I wrote about my interests, about what I like, what I do, well, everything and anything. I had some weird satisfaction if I was "searchable" on Google. It seems I didn't give a damn about my privacy.

Only lastly it actually began to worry me. When applying for a practice in a crime investigation laboratory, I wondered: how much could be found on me, given that somebody knows my name or nickname? It wouldn't take more than a few minutes to find out where do I live, what do I study, whom am I family to, well, way more than I'd like some anyone to find out. Creepy, and all because of my carelessness.

And that's before we take Facebook into account.

High time to change my profile photos all around the web. What am I getting so paranoid about? It's not like I'm going to rob a bank, you know. Really, I'm not. I'd just like to know where the hell is my identity data being publicly available, and I'm afraid I've lost track of it completely. Would be great to disappear from the web and start all over again, more cautiously.

Maybe I thought naïvely that somewhere in the net I would find someone who would care to, I don't know, listen to me. Ain't gonna happen, nope. What I need are real people. And I still seem to do so poorly in such relations, you know. Oh well.

Sorry for the mess, last few weeks are like a carousel, and I'm not quite sure how to get off this damn thing.

Oh, and the title is a paraphrase of some dude's quote. He happened to be a judge some two millennia ago.

Straight to the Ninth

One would assume it should be easier as the time passes. Guess what? It's the very opposite. I feel guilty for what I've told, for the damage I've done with those angry words I spoke to her. I thought I'm being fair and tying loose ends, simply saying how I feel. Only later I saw how cruel I was.

No disappointment compares with how much I'm disappointed with myself. 'Not a person, but a character' I was supposed to be, and yet I acted like a complete moron. Like a human, you could say - anyhow, just how I have never wished to act. First, I wished for her to be happy. Then, I wished for myself to be honest. Now, I wish I was wiser than that.

Feeding the false hopes of mine, I was going straight to the eighth ring of Dante Alighieri's hell. Such mean words as those which I uttered would count as a betrayal of a friend, which gives me a one-way ticket to the deepest, ninth ring. I betrayed her trust, which I should never have done, under any circumstances, no matter how frustrated, angry or sad I was.

If I knew a thousand ways to apologise, it wouldn't be enough. It may never be enough. So easy to destroy something beautiful with words, so difficult - if at all possible - to regain trust...

From the very beginning of this story I knew it had to end badly. I wanted to believe in some sort of happy ending, but it never was all that probable. Was this 'adventure' worth the aftermath? A week or so ago I'd say yes, definitely. Tonight I'm not so sure. Or: I'm sure it was not.

I'm to blame I didn't act earlier in the autumn, I'm to blame for speaking all these sordid words. How could I... expect her... to do what I'd wish she did? It was so wrong. I screw up really badly this time.

It can't rain all the time

My dormitory is a funny place. The staff hide from the cameras so they could smoke a cigarette.

Another winter 'love' (or was it?) story behind. The funny thing is, the more I idealise a girl, the less it takes for me to be completely disappointed. Sounds kind of self-explanatory, I know, so let's complicate things a bit: the more crazy I am and all over my head with a girl, the sooner I get to the 'whatever' phase. I mean, how could I be so blind? Maybe she used to be just like I pictured her, but today? Not so much.

Shallow, cruel, indifferent, cold? Call it as you will, I'm through with her. It'll be some time before I write a letter to her again. And somehow, I expect it to be kind of cynical. It's not because I'm angry. It's because I'm disappointed. Chiefly with myself probably, but what's the difference?

No regrets. None at all. And it has some aesthetic value, too. Now let's make sure I'm the protagonist of the story and find a happy ending, preferably... well, I won't spoil it. But damn, I hate being patient.

It was all beautiful and inspiring when it lasted, now I'm hiding whatever I feel about it beneath the mask of indifference. Hell with this, there's a new day ahead, right?

It can't rain all the time.

(And as I wrote it, it literally stopped raining and a few beams of the setting sun reached my room's window, the golden-lit clouds far in the background. Sometimes I wish I did believe any kind of signs.)