Straight to the Ninth

One would assume it should be easier as the time passes. Guess what? It's the very opposite. I feel guilty for what I've told, for the damage I've done with those angry words I spoke to her. I thought I'm being fair and tying loose ends, simply saying how I feel. Only later I saw how cruel I was.

No disappointment compares with how much I'm disappointed with myself. 'Not a person, but a character' I was supposed to be, and yet I acted like a complete moron. Like a human, you could say - anyhow, just how I have never wished to act. First, I wished for her to be happy. Then, I wished for myself to be honest. Now, I wish I was wiser than that.

Feeding the false hopes of mine, I was going straight to the eighth ring of Dante Alighieri's hell. Such mean words as those which I uttered would count as a betrayal of a friend, which gives me a one-way ticket to the deepest, ninth ring. I betrayed her trust, which I should never have done, under any circumstances, no matter how frustrated, angry or sad I was.

If I knew a thousand ways to apologise, it wouldn't be enough. It may never be enough. So easy to destroy something beautiful with words, so difficult - if at all possible - to regain trust...

From the very beginning of this story I knew it had to end badly. I wanted to believe in some sort of happy ending, but it never was all that probable. Was this 'adventure' worth the aftermath? A week or so ago I'd say yes, definitely. Tonight I'm not so sure. Or: I'm sure it was not.

I'm to blame I didn't act earlier in the autumn, I'm to blame for speaking all these sordid words. How could I... expect her... to do what I'd wish she did? It was so wrong. I screw up really badly this time.