Va banque

In the morning, on the last day of the year, it's gonna turn out what kind of a story my life is. The ironic one, in which I pay for mistakes of years ago, or the one with improbable happy-end. I wouldn't mind the latter, but I'm worried if I'm not fooling myself with all this hope...

What will happen? I can't say I'm curious. Curiosity is long gone, everything that's left is... fear, isn't it? Whether it'll be 'all right' or quite the contrary, or something completely unexpected - oh, I don't know myself what will happen, what may happen. Gosh.

She is coming here with her... boyfriend. For the New Year celebration. I told her of my feelings. She feels the same. Who will be 'the other guy', myself or him? Now that's a va banque game, isn't it...

One more day, and everything will be clear. Not clearer than I'd like, I hope.

No rest for the wicked

I hate it when I wake up at 3 AM and can't sleep any more.

Like tonight.

Thinking about something pleasant, trying to remember a dream, concentrating on one thought, keeping my eyes closed no matter what... and nothing. I still can't decide which is more annoying: my roommate's snoring, or the fact that he can fall asleep in five minutes and nothing would wake him. I wouldn't mind my 'fucked up sleeping pattern' if not for my studies and job - sleep deprivation is counter-productive to say the least. I waste way too much time every day anyway, and still can't make a good use of what's left. The nature of my job is clearly not helping, either. Standing still for eight hours, smiling to people even though I don't really care whatever they want - it's kind of tiresome. Mostly psychically.

Now would be the part in which I wish for an interesting job, positive motivation for studying, healthy relationship and a good sleep. But let's skip it.

It's 5:25 AM already, no matter what I do, I'll be drowsy in the morning. Doesn't matter whether I'll try to fall asleep for the next two hours, or just sit in front of the computer. Either way my frustration is mounting. Maybe I should take some pills. Or get drunk before sleep. Or whatever.

Damn. Everything is just... slipping.