Va banque

In the morning, on the last day of the year, it's gonna turn out what kind of a story my life is. The ironic one, in which I pay for mistakes of years ago, or the one with improbable happy-end. I wouldn't mind the latter, but I'm worried if I'm not fooling myself with all this hope...

What will happen? I can't say I'm curious. Curiosity is long gone, everything that's left is... fear, isn't it? Whether it'll be 'all right' or quite the contrary, or something completely unexpected - oh, I don't know myself what will happen, what may happen. Gosh.

She is coming here with her... boyfriend. For the New Year celebration. I told her of my feelings. She feels the same. Who will be 'the other guy', myself or him? Now that's a va banque game, isn't it...

One more day, and everything will be clear. Not clearer than I'd like, I hope.

No rest for the wicked

I hate it when I wake up at 3 AM and can't sleep any more.

Like tonight.

Thinking about something pleasant, trying to remember a dream, concentrating on one thought, keeping my eyes closed no matter what... and nothing. I still can't decide which is more annoying: my roommate's snoring, or the fact that he can fall asleep in five minutes and nothing would wake him. I wouldn't mind my 'fucked up sleeping pattern' if not for my studies and job - sleep deprivation is counter-productive to say the least. I waste way too much time every day anyway, and still can't make a good use of what's left. The nature of my job is clearly not helping, either. Standing still for eight hours, smiling to people even though I don't really care whatever they want - it's kind of tiresome. Mostly psychically.

Now would be the part in which I wish for an interesting job, positive motivation for studying, healthy relationship and a good sleep. But let's skip it.

It's 5:25 AM already, no matter what I do, I'll be drowsy in the morning. Doesn't matter whether I'll try to fall asleep for the next two hours, or just sit in front of the computer. Either way my frustration is mounting. Maybe I should take some pills. Or get drunk before sleep. Or whatever.

Damn. Everything is just... slipping.

Naïve, nostalgic and torpid

Usually the more I have to do, the less time I waste. Having found a job, acting as a president of student's organization and with two big assignments for my studies I should waste no time at all, right? Quite the contrary...

Unable to even start any of these, I sit and surf the Net searching for some old, nostalgic sites, some ancient signs of my and my friends' activity. Old forums, older forums, half-forgotten photos. What's the point?

There's no way I'm going to work for my future, if I'm so concerned with the past. The attachment and memory themselves wouldn't be anything bad, but I let them distract me, devour my attention to the fullest. And this is wrong. Maybe it's because of all the decisions that had seemed right then, yet proved otherwise? A person is said to regret only this, what he didn't do. I couldn't agree more. What trouble me are all the things I neglected, all the times I did not take action, stepped aside. Forfeited a chance of some sort.

It was all legitimate back then. I knew exactly why had I acted (or not acted, for that matter) that way or another. The thing is, I don't follow the same guidelines for decisions any more. Some things are beyond repair though, I'm afraid. Still, I'm incredibly naïve and have the silly hope that maybe - just maybe - it might not be completely lost.

I'm talking in riddles. Of course, it's about a girl. It's always been. I never thought the two of them were a good match, because they simply weren't. What a fool I was, turning her affection down! Rejecting her because she was in a relationship with my friend. To whom she did not match... What would I do today? Oh, I wouldn't count on my conscience. I certainly wouldn't. Or at least, I hope my conscience would not stand in my way.

A wannabe-hedonist with romantic ideas. How great.

Anyway, they broke up. Had to. But she seems to have someone else on her mind. The distance of 400 km is not helping me, either. My gullibility seems to be boundless. Can't help it, though. She might be one of the closest to perfect, with such fantasy of hers... And the way she could read me long before I could understand myself. I better won't dwell on this, or I may end up reading old emails. There's been enough nostalgia for one night already.

Let's make some tea and try to actually do something with my 'career'.

Further away

Beginning with high school, perspectives seemed to correlate with the school's distance from home. Besides, education is not just about lectures and such. Opening one's mind for new ideas represented by different places, different people, expanding one's horizons - both figuratively and literally, that's what interests me the most.

The only problem is, I can't quite afford living and studying abroad, not yet. And I'd like to do so as soon as possible, if not sooner. I think it's high time to take the matters in my own hands. So let's do it.

Too long have I been waiting, limiting myself without a reason. Let's hit the higher instances, get a scholarship and fly to UK. Shall we?

Somehow, I think it's all about making the first step, which I've always been reluctant to do. I won't get anywhere just sitting on my... chair. I wish it was my last year studying here, enough wasting time.

It's a self-motivational note, so don't necessarily pay too much or any attention.

Mixed signals

The oldest friends... never cease to amaze me. I wish these were some welcome surprises.

This one began great. She invited me to one of this county's most beautiful cities, which I had not had a chance to visit before. It was already some time since we last saw each other, so what else could I do? I boarded the train and...

And the welcome was most unexpected. Most... warm. Sure, friends and all, but... well, I didn't mind actually. Why should I? Decided to be nice. After all, she invited me, right? Besides, what is a hug and a kiss on the cheek? And so we hit the city.

One club, next club, yet another club... I was being nice. A bit too nice, as it was going to turn out. We've never been anything 'more' or 'else' than friends. I've heard more than I'd like to know about her boyfriends, really. I couldn't catch up with their names, actually. Nevertheless, whenever I mentioned some of the girls I know and like, she got upset. Maybe it should have alarmed me. Well, it didn't. I got a bit drunk, she was taunting me. Sure, no excuse - but then, I do not need an excuse, 'cause I did nothing. Didn't comply when she attempted to kiss me, spoke carefully, watching for every word I said. The heck, more than once I told her she is pretty, but definitely not my type (whatever that would mean).

And so, nothing happened. Or so I thought.

The following day, she introduced me to her friends. I've never heard so much about hair, nails, clothes and such in just a few hours. Kinda sickening, you know. Not to mention a clash of viewpoints according religion and such. Also, I got a bit sarcastic and distanced. Evening came, and it seemed a good moment for some serious conversation.

Then it turns out she's been in love with me for... well, most of the time we knew each other. Great. And me being simply nice got mistaken with flirting, awesome. 'Mixed signals' is the term. Some explanations on my side, and here comes accusations of histrionics and hypocrisy. That hurt.

Sincerity and honesty are one of the few last things I care about. Hypocrisy? Histrionics? If there are words that can hurt me, she found them. The thing is, I did not feel guilty at all. Not even a bit.

Seeing me rarely, she's created some idealised picture of myself. Picture which is almost completely unlike me. Not to mention my allergy for expectations towards me, and she was full of such. I almost packed and left on the whim. Maybe I should have. Then she spoke of her fear of being abandoned. Can't say I felt great about it. I'm not so tough and heartless after all, it seems. I stayed, but entered the 'very cold and sarcastic' mode. Made sure I was not sending any mixed signals whatsoever.

Luckily, I had some other friends it the city. Actually, the lived on the adjacent street. I decided to spend the next day with them secretly - had no heart (or no courage?) to say: 'hey, I'm tired of you, I'm out'. Only got back for a dinner to my host, then packed and left. Left for good, probably.

The moment I got home, I wrote a letter. Wrote it somewhat against myself. Wrote what an awful person am I, how many times did I hurt her and so on, and so on. No mixed signals. I didn't like it, but... I think it had to be done. I will cope with this. I hope she will, too. She will surely be disillusioned and even heartbroken, maybe. In the end though, maybe she will get over with it and find herself someone who cares, unlike me. And I will have... have what? My precious peace?

I could say much more, yet don't want to defend myself. I wouldn't say I should defend myself in the first place. If there was anything wrong I did, it would be being a bit too harsh in the letter I wrote, but I think it was necessary. It's not a first time I see desire crushing a friendship, and I hate it. Nothing stinks as awfully as friendship decomposing, they say... Maybe it's better to end it at once. I'm not saying we can't be friends any more. In fact, I wish we could. First though, she has to want nothing but friendship from me, for I can't give her anything else.

Wish you luck, M.

No home for a cat

It seems that if I am writing anything, it's usually when I have a lot of other, way more important things to do. Well, there is an examination session lurking ahead in general, and tomorrow's test about cingulum membri inferioris in particular. Oh, well. Yet another sleepless night.

I should have already got used to all-nighters, actually. In the past week I had two while working on my paper for archaeology of early middle ages. To be honest, I did much more in these two nights than for the past... what? Like, 5 months? At least. I knew I'm more of an owl than a lark, but still - I shouldn't be working like that.

Anyway, I've just moved to a different flat. Which makes my fifth one in this academic year. Hell yes, talk about finding your own place... It's quite comfortable to have something like this (frequent changing of a place you're living in) to blame for my misadventures with studies. What a pity that I know it's all my fault nevertheless. Right now, I'm living with my friend from University. He's kind of an alternative guy. Or maybe I should say: he's the alternative guy. Which works for me. Unfortunately, he has some problem with getting down to studying (how surprising!). Maybe we'll help each other then - at least, I hope so. I would actually enjoy a party. Or two. Or... well, you know what I mean. Still, I think it is already pretty late as for studying for my exams, so - let's hope it's not too late, pray for a miracle (or a few) and start actually doing something, goddamnit!

On a side note. It makes a great difference, what kind of a house you're staying in. All my four previous flats were regularly rented to different people, they had a feel of being something 'only for some time'. Here, I'm in a place with some history. The same people have been living here for long years, you can easily feel the attachment, the bond... It is easier for me, too. If someone feels home here, I can, too. Not for long, not as I do in my own room 400 km from here, but surely it is way better than any other place I've been living in for the past year.

Yeah, I should probably apologise for the mess. If only I had to whom...

Blank Spaces

'Now when I was a little chap I had a passion for maps. I would look for hours at South America, or Africa, or Australia, and lose myself in all the glories of exploration. At that time there were many blank spaces on the earth, and when I saw one that looked particularly inviting on a map (but they all look that) I would put my finger on it and say, 'When I grow up I will go there.' (...)'

J. Conrad, Heart of Darkness

I have always wished for such blank spaces. Unfortunately, today, in the 21st century, there are none. What's more, you can view any corner of Earth from above without turning away from your screen. Kind of frightening, actually. The nearest unknown lands, i.e. other planets, are out of reach and that's not going to change within a couple of decades or a few centuries - is it 50 or 200 years, that's way too long for me, I'm afraid. So what's left?

When sitting in the library, studying for my archaeology classes, I was enlightened, you might say. I found it boring to delve into the history of, let's say, bronze age's cultures. I'm really into digging up bones, playing with geophysics and other means of prospection, but the cultures themselves seemed not that interesting. I'm so glad I was wrong.

What we are doing, is nothing but filling out these blank spaces on the maps - the only difference being the maps are not of today's world, but of the world that used to be. Pointless? Quite the contrary: it's even better I'd say, for you can always find something new even in a place that someone has already visited. And it is everywhere: just outside the door, amidst the Greek ruins, beneath the sands of Egypt, underwater, everywhere.

Not to mention the 'excavations' in libraries - the students of law, social studies, physics etc. are just learning something that someone else has written, sometimes they might come up with something new (especially physicists, if anyone). At the same time, archaeologists are searching for some clues, combining them and secretly planning on checking their theories in the field. There is no way to read something that is two thousand years old (Roman law, for example) and take it as granted; we have to read, analyse and verify, thus filling yet another blank space.

Sure, I am glorifying the archaeology. Of course, I do understand someone might be as enthusiastic about their studies, it's just that I have always had some idea of what scientific research might look like, what does it mean to discover. And still, the archaeology seems to be so much more than I have ever hoped for.

And gave me lots of maps with broad blank spaces.

When choice is no choice at all

The most difficult choice I have ever had to make was when I had to decide where to study: whether it was a major city only a few dozens kilometres from my home, or a capital city a few hundred kilometres from home. The difficulty was my best friends staying near the place I lived, and perspectives for a renowned University and possible career in the distant city.

As could have been expected, I chose the latter. As could have been expected, I regret. Most probably I'd regret any of these two options. Fortunately or not, my best friend told me not to take anyone but me into account when making such a decision. Although I did not worry that much whatever my friends would feel like when I left, I have never supposed I might miss them that much - after all, moving to a big city was quite an adventure, not to mention living on my own and taking up interesting studies.

The initial enthusiasm, however, faded out and was lost somewhere along the way. Nowadays I more often think of getting back home and finishing the same studies there. I've learned a lot here, not only on the subject of my faculty, but about life and people, about myself, too. And maybe that's why I did not actually got back... I know it's confusing. After having learnt about myself a little, I suppose I'd regret leaving all these perspectives and so on behind.

How I wish I could move all the city somewhere nearer my home. Or to have another Institute of Archaeology on a decent level somewhere nearer.  Or to make it possible in any way to be close to my friends and be able to study on the best University at the same time. Dream on...

The point is (although unexpected), you value what you've got only when you lose it. Sure, I visit my friends as often as possible, but I don't have them close, and that changes a lot. Way too much, I'd say. Not that I didn't have any new friends here already, quite the contrary - they will make me sorry for leaving the capital after finishing my studies. But to give another known quote, friends are like shoes - the older, the better they fit.

Sorry for this messy note. I had to break the long period of silence, though. Let's hope I'll start something more interesting already, or I'll scare out the two imaginary readers I have...