Backfire

Surprisingly, speaking with a psychologist did help me learn even more about myself. The question is: what do I do with it next?

She noticed that whatever she says, I negate it. I don't cover my ears nor do I try to simply talk louder than her. I'm more... sophisticated? I belittle the premise, I digress showing some other possible causes for whatever we would be talking about, I can find a dozen excuses for why it's not exactly so or why it's more complicated. The tricky part? I do the same with anything I come up with. To make it more interesting: whenever I retort with something, I continue by disagreeing with what I just said! It would be a great exercise. Would be - if it didn't happen all the time.

It doesn't matter whom I speak with, it doesn't matter what we talk about. It happens when I'm all alone just thinking about anything at all. I play the devil's advocate 24/7, I politely disagree and introduce always new circumstances, show the case - however serious or trivial it may be - from a different perspective. There is no way to reach any conclusions with such endless process. Unless I find, think of, decide for some sort of a paradigm which would help me stop it. But what should that be? Whatever suits me now? Whatever won't make me trouble in future? If so, when - next week, next month, next year, never? Whatever is best for others? Whatever feels right? Should I really decide for just one? And here it is again - I'm so concerned with making an informed decision, I can't stop listing all the possibilities. Well, I'm afraid it's a personality thing. So much for hope of curing it with medications.

This is crazy. It paralyses me when it comes to studies, work, relationship, anything. First I take some responsibilities, then I try to play it all down, so I could maintain the status quo and wouldn't have to worry about making any more decisions, changes. I long for change, but when it comes to it - I'd rather... go to sleep, wait till it's over. The very same pattern, over and over again. How do I break through?

Psychiatrist next week, some more psychological tests in three weeks time. I'm such a mess.

Today I learnt: life has consequences

You might think little of something. Be glad, actually. But "No man is an island, entire of itself" - obvious, isn't it? I tend to learn the obvious lessons the hard way, by my own mistakes. That's what I get for questioning everything and anything. You say something is wrong? Well, let me see for myself. Sure, there are no regrets nor qualms for getting "wiser". The price might be too high, though.

A few weeks ago - honesty. Recently - trust. Whatever I'm doing, it always seems like a good idea. Shortly afterwards, it backfires cruelly. I wished to go for a trip somewhere far, but the only trip I got was a guilt one. Will I ever be too old for such foolishness? I hope so. And I hope not. I love the unpredictability of events, but I don't want to hurt anyone. Can it be balanced?

The etiquette, customs and conventions are not inherently limiting and bad, it seems. They are the best approximation and guides to what will and what won't hurt or simply displease others.

I am greatly disappointed with myself. I know it will let me choose better from now on, but I so wish I had known it before. I am so distant to everything that concerns me, that it's hardly a problem. I do care for how my actions affect others, though.

Oh, what a blabbering. Not a single coherent thought.