Backfire

Surprisingly, speaking with a psychologist did help me learn even more about myself. The question is: what do I do with it next?

She noticed that whatever she says, I negate it. I don't cover my ears nor do I try to simply talk louder than her. I'm more... sophisticated? I belittle the premise, I digress showing some other possible causes for whatever we would be talking about, I can find a dozen excuses for why it's not exactly so or why it's more complicated. The tricky part? I do the same with anything I come up with. To make it more interesting: whenever I retort with something, I continue by disagreeing with what I just said! It would be a great exercise. Would be - if it didn't happen all the time.

It doesn't matter whom I speak with, it doesn't matter what we talk about. It happens when I'm all alone just thinking about anything at all. I play the devil's advocate 24/7, I politely disagree and introduce always new circumstances, show the case - however serious or trivial it may be - from a different perspective. There is no way to reach any conclusions with such endless process. Unless I find, think of, decide for some sort of a paradigm which would help me stop it. But what should that be? Whatever suits me now? Whatever won't make me trouble in future? If so, when - next week, next month, next year, never? Whatever is best for others? Whatever feels right? Should I really decide for just one? And here it is again - I'm so concerned with making an informed decision, I can't stop listing all the possibilities. Well, I'm afraid it's a personality thing. So much for hope of curing it with medications.

This is crazy. It paralyses me when it comes to studies, work, relationship, anything. First I take some responsibilities, then I try to play it all down, so I could maintain the status quo and wouldn't have to worry about making any more decisions, changes. I long for change, but when it comes to it - I'd rather... go to sleep, wait till it's over. The very same pattern, over and over again. How do I break through?

Psychiatrist next week, some more psychological tests in three weeks time. I'm such a mess.