Let's hope it's clinical

When going to sleep, I set an alarm clock, so I wouldn't lose all day. In the morning, I turned it off with no second thoughts and laid till after noon. I was not sleeping - there was just nothing important enough to get up.

One could say that I got attracted to the possibility that I'm actually suffering from depression and so can't be held fully responsible for my actions or lack thereof. A valid point, I'd say, if not for the fact that it's nothing new - even when I was sure it's just my laziness I couldn't muster the resolve to do... anything.

When I called to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, a receptionist lady asked if it was something urgent. She was clearly trying to sound cheerful, almost turning it into a joke; she said I sounded calm, so how could it be that serious? She got somewhat defensive when I said that although I was not going to kill myself, I've been continuously unnecessarily complicating my life wasting one opportunity after another for at least four or five years already. And so I managed to schedule a visit within two weeks.

I'm not indulging in any new kinds of inactivity. What I'm doing though is observing if they fit within depression's symptoms. Naturally, they do. I still hope I'm not making it up, trying to justify myself and shed the responsibility.

Like taking a long shower, sitting with knees close to the chest, wishing it would last forever, so I wouldn't have to go out and face... anything, anyone. Or playing a film and watching it for just a few minutes before I've had enough. It's nothing new, I just think I found a common denominator.

I will be terribly disappointed with myself if it won't be a medical condition.